http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/ Liftoff to Space Exploration. en-us Sat, 12 Aug 2006 15:31:14 America/New_York Wed, 19 Nov 2008 09:28:59 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/rss phop_rss_generator sheSaid@purplehouseonpearl.com 10 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=361 I took the GRE yesterday, after spending the entire week and weekend studying. I got scores I am pleased with and are plenty good enough to get into the school I am looking at.
So hopefully I can get back to entertaining you with analyzing myself and then distracting you with amusing or beautiful images.... while I continue working on my grad school app, finding a job, paying bills, getting ready for the holidays, reading obscene amounts, and other typical sheSaid things.


And let's all lean a bit to the left this week... give ourselves a new perspective.*


*this is not a political comment Wed, 19 Nov 2008 09:14:19 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=361 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=359 LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Ruminate a minute about the people who don't see you for who you really are. Some of them are enemies, but others may be loved ones or allies. Consider the possibility that you have unconsciously bought in to their beliefs about you; that you are at least partially trapped in the habit of acting like the person they think you are. Now visualize what it would be like to free yourself from the images and expectations they have of you. Imagine the exhilaration you'd feel if you answered only to the still, small voice of your own lucid intuition. The coming weeks will be a good time for you to practice this high art.


This past weekend we decided to drive around to get babySaid to sleep. We planned to talk for a while, and then stop and each do our own thing in the car (me study and heSaid read his book) while babySaid sleep. Sometimes we use this old technique when I can't get babySaid to take a nap, we need to talk, or we are just tired of coping as parents.

I am not sure where the topic came up from but we started talking about our own interpretations of failure, what is worth working towards and how you decide what to spend your energy one. I can explain the model that I use for understanding this, and will paraphrase his.

When I am presented with (or come up with) an opportunity I make a determination of whether or not to works on it based on a gambling system.
I look at first the amount of effort required to acheive success (this is typicaly the top possible desired outcome). Then I look at what the outcome might be and what the chance of each outcome. In betting terms.
Lets say you have $100 you have the opportunity to bet, your possible outcomes are:
25% chance of loosing it all
25% chance of loosing $50
25% chance of breaking even
25% of getting 200.

I wouldn't want to risk my $100 for an only 25% chance of coming away with more when I have a 50% chance of loosing what I started with.

This is how I tend to evaluate opportunities and avenues of effort.


heSaid was completely flabbergasted by this approach. He said to me... that seems like you are often hurting yourself, not taking action, not wanting to do the grunt work required to progress or get to your goal.

And he might have a point. His perspective is that if you didn't try you lost, and if you try at least you made SOME progress. By putting out effort you have moved from point A to point x and the line to destination B. And any effort moves you closer to your goal.

So what is that $100 in my life? It is my effort. The work required. But it has actually been something more. My perspective has always been that what I am risking in my self-worth.

I felt like that $100 bucks that was at risk was my self-worth.

Anything that risked that was just not worth the effort. The more effort required the more of my self-worth I felt was at risk.

I am moving away towards feeling that way.

For a long time I struggled with self-esteam, I *knew* I was good and talented, but I didn't feel like it. I was not defining myself; I was defining myself by how other reflected me.

It was exhausting. I was trying SOOO hard to show the world who I was. But of course they couldn't see the bad parts, only the best. The perfection. What is so funny was that I was trying so hard to be myself. I mean what a collasal waste of energy and time! Not to mention no one could truly love and appreciate me the way I wanted, because I didn't share all of me with them.

So I am tired of that belief, that way of viewing and knowing and expressing myself.
I have been working to simply be myself, show people all sides, all aspects and not hid or hold back.
Also I refuse to let other's define me any longer, ONLY I GET TO.

There has been some evidence of that in the self-portraits I have worked on, and in the way I have forced myself to upload and present my portfolio as is, with known obvsious imperfections (ones that screamed loudly in my ear). I am working with who I am right now at this moment. Often times I am imperfect, and I am learning to be ok with it.
The biggest thing to come out of it is to finally have the ENERGY nessesary to make my portfolio (and many other areas of my life) better, closer to perfect, GOOD.

How will this shift effect the model I use to evaluate options and effort? I will still use it at times. It actually serves me well when I have many options infront of me. It can make it easier to choose one or two paths to focus my efforts on in a sea of them. But it is no longer my self-worth on the block, it's my time... and I have so much less of that these days ;)
Wed, 12 Nov 2008 09:45:14 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=359 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=358 I finished the evil books this weekend and now have my life back.  We finished babySaid's update.... yes it was delayed because of the evil books.

I have 1 week before my GRE test... oops I forgot to study last week... if by forgetting you mean no self-control to stop reading addictive books.

What did I think of them?

addictive
enjoyable
unable to put down

this is not a proper review, but the books are no Harry Potter. But not everything CAN be. What I love about Harry Potter books is the DEPTH of the world that has been created. How from book one the foundations were laid for the final book. The Twilight series didn't quite have that. But really can everything?

The characters were enjoyable complex and real enough for me. The twist on the genre was good. They were satisfing.. and did I say addictive? Cause yeah. Pretty much.

Although the last book the pacing was a little strange and I actually was able to put it down during the last third. Who would believe that?

So now that I have my life back, you can have your babySaid update. heSaid can have is scarf I started last winter (I PROMISE!) and I will study for the GRE, work on my application, do my work, look for more work, clean house, watch babySaid, excersie, eat, laundry, yard work, winterize the house, and make impossibly long to-do lists for myself. Mon, 10 Nov 2008 11:12:44 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=358 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=354 It is not post election bliss.



I should be back next week. Wed, 05 Nov 2008 12:14:41 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=354 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=351 So as everybody (in all the places who participate in this) knows, this weekend we 'fell back'. Except in the purpleHouse. You don't get to 'fall back' with a toddler... no body told him about this crazy situation.

So Sunday morning he woke up early. Not just an hour early, but an extra half hour early as well. Yeah, that sucked.

Though it's all for the best, his bed time had been slipping later and later into the evening and getting him and me up for daycare mornings was getting harder and harder (sorry heSaid). We have the changing diapers, getting dressed, getting shoes and socks on while nursing a sleeping baby DOWN though.... but now, thanks to the time change, 10 to 7 babySaid was fully awake (I had been trying to convince him for just 5 more min. since 6:30).

When he said got up and started his shower, babySaid's ear's perked up (yes, like a cat, the similarities between babies and cats/dogs sometimes really gets to me) and he called out for Daddy, stood up in bed (threw himself down and laughed), and then crawled off our bed, onto his (at the foot of our bed) and down to the floor. I watched him todder out the door and heard the exclamation as heSaid greated him in the bathroom, and they both took a shower.

What a change from a year ago! What a change from a month ago. All of the daily reminders that our 'baby' is growing up, forming his own desires, conclusions, and going after them all on his own.

I took the time with the bed to myself to FALL BACK to sleep, at least for a couple of minutes.




I will be working on his next update this week (just uploaded our halloween pics), studying for the GRE some more, working on my application, working on work, working on getting more work, and oh yeah, household fun! Also today I get to pick up our charts from our Dr. office... she is closing her practise (you remember the Dr. I said I LOVED!) and we have to hunt for a new one. FUN! Mon, 03 Nov 2008 10:55:44 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=351 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=348 LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "If you don't make mistakes," says Nobel Prize-winning physicist Frank Wilczek, "you're not working on hard enough problems. And that's a big mistake." Take that to heart, Libra. Here are some of the questions you might want to ask yourself in the coming days: 1. "Am I dallying with minor challenges that are beneath me?" 2. "Are my current dilemmas truly worthy of my soulful intelligence?" 3. "Should I go in search of more interesting problems?" 4. "Is it time to upgrade the level of mistakes that I'm risking?" Halloween costume suggestions: a magnificent klutz, a daring clown, or a pioneer wearing a big band-aid on your booboo.


OH how I hate to be seen making mistakes.

I really hate making mistakes, and even worse having those mistakes happen in a very public way.

But I am working on being more ok with it. Because I want to be completely honest about who I am. This phase of my life has been marked by dealing with being completely honest about who I am, to myself, and to everyone around me. I am no longer trying to wear the mask of myself but just be that person wholly, unashamedly, bravely, boldly, and gently.



click to flickr to see it bigger, and read more about it. Wed, 29 Oct 2008 09:26:18 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=348 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=345 I registered for the GRE today. I am going to take the test November 18th.

No more messing around.

It's time to jump start this career.

School again? am I ready?

Are WE ready?

Nope.


But dude?! I survived PARENTHOOD. I can do this thing.




* photo from a shoot for a project I am working. It makes my heart fill with joy! Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:49:57 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=345 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=344 It's been a busy week or so since I last updated, and I have gone a little crazy with the fall photos, so bear with me.



My best friend from DC visited on her way back home and we got to go shopping! I have not gone shopping with a friend since... Yep I can't remember, unless we count online shopping (where we send each other links to outfits and then possible purchase them).

Then heSaid's brother (namesake) flew in, so I took some time off the computer. He cleaned our gutters - among one of many projects he wanted to help out with - (we had never done this and clearly neither had the past few owners ;) )! and we took some walks, and did LOTS of talking.

Then we all piled into the car to drive up north for heSaid's TEN YEAR high school reunion (haha! he was nervous and uncomfortable, I reveled in it!) .

Now that heSiad has a real job, he has vacation time and we took an extra two days and tried to both see EVERYONE and also relax and enjoy the beauty of Northern Michigan in the Fall.

We took a long drive on Sunday out Lealanua peninsula, to a place that has over 240 variets of antique apples, then to Tandem Ciders tasting room (they have both hard and sweet cider). That kind of drive through the country, ending up somewhere for special food is exactly the kind of thing from my childhood with my dad and stepmom. I really enjoyed getting to do it. I also enjoyed the time to knit!



Monday rained, but we still drove, this time out to the end of old mission penisula, the wind and rain were pretty nasty, but didn't keep me from taking a few shots (more will be uploaded to flickr throughout the week). And we relaxed with family and friends.


I couldn't leave without visiting my favorite place, Building 50, and had a blast walking around taking pictures. My fingers FROZE, it hurt so bad I could barley work the camera (it didn't stop me).  I am so happy that place is now being renovated and filled with cool little shops and other things. I feel remorse that I don't get to enjoy it more.


There is always this challenge when we go back home. We want to see people, we KNOW they want to see us (ok babySaid) but it is also supposed to be a little vacation for us, some time away. We are always walking this very narrow line. It would be considered a success I think, if we only let down one or two people, and we got to do, just one thing, just for us. Being up there feels like home, and yet strange now, because the purplehouse is definitely now home too.

This time we came back exhausted, possibly coming down with a cold (didn't we JUST shake the plague?) I have one daycare day to get work done (but I used it to write this and sort through my photos!) Lots of things to do now that we are home. But I want just one more afternoon. To wander around, not have a schedule and for it to just be us as a family (or ever us alone!). That is the same feeling I have when I think of our honeymoon. The one time we traveled alone and didn't visit family. Just the two of us TeamSaid!



I love slow mornings, leasurly afternoons, naps before dinner and talking all night. In my mind that is what going to Traverse City will be (every single time I delude myself!) and it can't be. The long drive can be alot of work (this time it was beautiful babySaid slept nearly 3 hours!) but it is also such a great time for us to talk, reconnect (oh and KNIT!). So I do feel like I got to savor some fall, just the way I like it. I just want, just a little bit more. Wed, 22 Oct 2008 10:35:20 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=344 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=342 So a little silence out there (expect for you, thanks for emailing!).
For my birthday heSaid got me the wii fit. Saving from getting it for him for Christmas.

It ROCKS and after trying it out the first night, the next morning I woke up and wanted to play with it again.... and I am not a morning person, and NOT a morning work out person. It could change my life.
Or just a few moments here and there.

I thought I would put some thoughts down about how great my life is right now. I don't tend to talk about that. I talk more about changes that need to happen. This is not because I am a pessimist. But more because I like to think about how to make the world, my life, myself better. Always trying to improve, even if I am already pretty damn good. :)

Our lifestyle rocks (even with how tight we are for money)
We get up together and have some chill time together. heSaid takes babySaid to daycare, I get to get ready alone WOOT, heSaid loves getting to spend the time with the babe. I make breakfast while tidying up (loading/unloading the dishwasher, doing some laundry, tidy up from the previous nights baby toys). Settle down to work (in my pj's :) ) I have to pick babySaid up in the afternoon, and then we get to chill (ok sometimes this is stressful as I am still trying to work - but this is the kind o stress I am ok with in my life)

We play at the park or run errands, sometimes start dinner. heSaid comes home, dinner, park, walk, wiifit (not all in one day) and then some TV time sleep, rinse and repeat.

On the weekends we are busy, groceries, cooking, cleaning, heSaid's last class and trying to enjoy the outdoors all around nap times. But again, this is all busy doing things together and we love that. It's stressful at times... and I wish I was working a bit more and had a little more daycare time. But right now this is a pretty well lived life, and that is what I am going for.

And now back to venting/bitching/being a drama queen. Wed, 15 Oct 2008 13:57:00 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=342 http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=340 Last year my birthday wish came true a sleeping baby. This year I had joked that all I wanted was 8 hrs of uninterupted sleep. Well I didn't joke, I do want that. But I wont be getting a night off for some time (and just after yesterdays post on sleep and how I am happy with our choices, and I KNOW that it is those choices that make it so I can't take a night off... not sure if that is irony or if it just sucks).

There are some superficial things I would like. (or this or this or you know anything fun at all :)

And I really want to do a photoshoot... this creative idea I have had since may and really want to get to explore.

But more than anything else what I want for my birthday is financial security. Ok I know, I know, the news, the end of days, the OMG OMG bank global crisis. I am not asking you to fix that. That is not what I want.

I want to be bringing in $ to our family. To be helping to provide financially. Perhaps sharing somewhat equally, even though I know at this point it wont be 50/50. I have been doing freelance work (and looking for more, wink wink). I have some prints from the garden walk up on etsy.

I need to do more, and I can use your help. I have been thinking about creating some notecards of my prints (some of the prints on etsy and others from my flickr)

I am working a half dozen directions at once.
Prints
Notecards
Freelance Design work
- working on my portfolio
- working on my projects
- networking?
- updating websites
- looking for more work

It's a lot. I do like doing it, I don't like running around like a chicken with my head cut off, which is what happens after the 3rd cup of coffee - all hope of focus is lost.

Sorry I diverged, but you know what? It's my birthday and I ramble if I want to.* And while I am diverging I am going to share a new milestone; this morning when i changed babySaid's diaper there was a perfectly formed poop. His first! Solid poop is so much easier to clean up than this transitional goop that has been stuck to everything (and gets stuck to fingers if you are not quick enough).

Right back to work (CLEARLY TIME WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT POOP!)

So jot on over to my etsy shop, perhaps make a suggestion for prints to make, or notecards you would like to see (hey it would be even better if you wanted to buy any :) ) Be ready to hawk my mad design skilz to any on you think might need me.

And now for another cheesy song remake. All I want for Christmas is to be making money.

*my theme song for every birthday until I met heSaid.... at my 6th grade party I listened to it over and over on my walkman.   I am not a drama queen! :) Thu, 09 Oct 2008 11:29:38 America/New_York http://sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com/?entry_id=340